The dark is scary. The unknown is scary. When you find yourself far away from the light of what's known it's confusing, disorienting. It's easy to get lost or to stumble and fall. Worst of all though are the denizens of the dark, creatures we can't see and so imagine as monsters. It's easy to see why we fear the dark. The fear is natural, justified even. After all, any dangers that lurk there could sneak up on an unsuspecting wanderer, crouch in the shadows, wait for the perfect moment, and pounce, tearing it's victims to shreds. It's possible. Of course, often the reality is not so terrifying.
In fact, most things that live in the darkness are far more scared of you than you are of them. Let me say that again. Most things that hide in the dark do so not out of a predatory need to hunt and instill fear, but out of their own fear of becoming prey. In short, the dark fears you too.
Agnostophobia means fear of the unknown. That's what my story was about. Jim was so afraid of this thing that doesn't stay what it's supposed to stay that he doesn't see the humanity in it. He's so afraid of it invading his home he sees danger where there is none and ends up creating that danger himself. As a result he harms his own family. Can you see the metaphor.
Sometimes trans and queer people do strange things. The cliche is colored hair, weird clothes, unusual behavior. It happens. When society has pushed you out into the darkness you might want to eschew trying to fit in altogether. If I'm already such a weirdo for just being who I am why should I try so hard to conform in any other way. So yeah, I'll color my hair, I'll wear wear whatever I damn well please and I'll act a fool if I decide it brings me happiness.
But another cliche is hypersensitive, defensive, even aggressive behavior. And that happens too. If you happen to find yourself in some of the less than favorite parts of the Internet or the news you may have seen videos of this exact thing, a trans person who gets misgendered and has a conniption. Reacting in these ways, it's not good behavior and the people who elevate these videos would like you to see them and paint all trans people with the same unflattering brush. And I think most trans allies would correctly point out that not all trans people are like this. In fact, most aren't. And while that's true, I want to go further. Because this is not something I want to just be dismissed. It happens and it happens for a reason. It's a trauma response. When you've lived so long in the dark, hiding from the light for dear life, a small slight can feel big and a small danger can feel massive. Trans people have lived in fear for a very, very long time. And Transgender Day of Remembrance is the day we remember what that fear is.
This Trans Day of Remembrance is particularly haunting because we are filled not just with grief and anger at the fact that trans people are so often taken from us too soon, we are filled with fear for the future. This election has shown in stark relief that blatant, unrepentant transphobia is perfectly acceptable to the majority of Americans. Not just with the election of past and future president Donald Trump, but with the red sweep of the nation; the unified government behind him, ready to follow him on his seemingly neverending quest for power. It's terrifying.
I know that trans people can be strange. We can wear things and say things and do things that make you uncomfortable. I get it. Seeing someone doing things that don't follow the social script can make you cringe. Don't they know better? Don't they understand how their clothes, words, and actions make things worse for them? Maybe if they didn't do these things people would accept them more. Maybe if they could just be more normal their lives would be easier. But those thoughts that go through your head are the exact same, the exact same ones that led to the deaths of my siblings and sisters and brothers. And I don't care what they wore or said or did. I don't give a fuck about how uncomfortable they made people. They did not deserve to die.
But we all agree with that. I don't believe there's anyone here who thinks otherwise. Unfortunately violence isn't the only thing inspired by fear. I often feel like I'm sorted into just a few boxes, all of which, in one way or another are cause by fear. I'm a monster hiding in the dark to instill fear and distress. I'm a mystery, too uncomfortable and not important enough to be worth deciphering. I'm a saint or visionary, persecuted unjustly, too good for this world; a martyr.
That last one I think often comes from a fear of being seen as transphobic, not from a desire to not be transphobic. Ironically, that is a kind of transphobia. I'm not fodder for your righteousness, nor am I mystery to solve, and I'm definitely not a monster. I'm just a person. We're all just people, people who can do amazing things and terrible things and mediocre things. This is true even though we're also often strange.
And I want to be very clear. I'm not trying to tell you to let toxic behaviors into your life. We do need to hold people accountable for their actions even if those actions were triggered by trauma. What I am doing is asking you, begging you, to have compassion. Try to be understanding when we don't do things in quite the right way. Let trans and queer people be strange and imperfect. Lord knows you are.
And the thing is, when you start having compassion for the strangeness of others you may find that you start to show more compassion to your own strangeness. It may start to feel like the social script isn't just "how people act". It feels restrictive. Maybe.
Maybe not. Another thing I'm not saying is that strangeness is superior to conformity. Be true to yourself, however strange, or not, you may be. I'm also not telling you to be paragons of acceptance and grace, the perfect trans allies with nary a transphobic thought. That's hard, really hard. Transphobia is deeply embedded in our culture, pervasive and subversive, sneaking into our thoughts and even our actions, despite our best intentions. This is true for all of us, no matter how accepting and no matter how queer we are. Even for me.
In fact, if you think you've rooted out all transphobia from your mind, I'm inclined to believe that you've just become blind to it and you have way more growth to do in that department than some others. I'm not asking for perfect. All I'm asking is that you try. As my wife loves to say, anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. Don't try to be a paragon. It backfires. Just try to be a little better than you were yesterday. If you can try to have compassion for the strangeness of others and the strangeness in yourself, we can try to have compassion for you on your path of growth. A little bit of transphobia doesn't scare me. It's a small price to pay to be a part of a community that tries. Can I get an amen?
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